BDSM has been a lot on my mind lately. By a lot, I mean the whole day and night, for some weeks now.
It has to do with me getting dumped by my ex boyfriend/friend/lover/slave. He used to say he's all that, after one night in our early days when I got drunk and said that I need a partner and somebody I want to rely on when I feel I can't rely on myself, not just a pet around the house. I don't know what was his fantasy about our relationship at that point, but I'm sure it wasn't that. We failed at all of them, except the boyfriend/girlfriend part, couldn't have none at the intensity I wanted and needed but in the process of discovering that, I felt in love with him. At some point, resentment from both parts started to build up and it peeked with him saying that he can't be with me anymore. I'll call him ex1.
Being through this whole relationship mess made my self esteem lower and also made me a lot more self conscious and self aware. It raised a lot of questions and to some I fell I am close to finding an answer but for most of them, I am clueless:
Am I the one that made the relationship collapse? It seems fair to say that yes, since I was having most of the power in it, but again, not all of it and ex1 had a pretty active role. The only times I felt he truly submitted to me were the times he was sexually aroused and deprived of release, combined with s&m play that he enjoyed (and I was ok with). For the rest of the time, we were normal boyfriend and girlfriend with some kinky sex going on.
Am I emotionally immature? I might be to some extent.
If I am, would it help me to become more mature? It might be a way of evolving.
How can I go from immature to mature? I asked him this and he said there are 2 ways: life experience (at this moment I find that a very hard way) or therapy.
Should I go through therapy? If yes, what type? I say yes to the first and maybe reiki to the second.
Am I capable of having and sustaining the type of relationship I feel I need? First of all I am sure I need more D/s. I crave for it. This is a tricky question. I couldn't with him, but he's not a standard for all the guys in the world. I think I'll find the answer to this one by diving in and see what's gonna happen.