joi, 9 august 2012

How to change to be better?

BDSM has been a lot on my mind lately. By a lot, I mean the whole day and night, for some weeks now.

It has to do with me getting dumped by my ex boyfriend/friend/lover/slave. He used to say he's all that, after one night in our early days when I got drunk and said that I need a partner and somebody I want to rely on when I feel I can't rely on myself, not just a pet around the house. I don't know what was his fantasy about our relationship at that point, but I'm sure it wasn't that. We failed at all of them, except the boyfriend/girlfriend part, couldn't have none at the intensity I wanted and needed but in the process of discovering that, I felt in love with him. At some point, resentment from both parts started to build up and it peeked with him saying that he can't be with me anymore. I'll call him ex1.

Being through this whole relationship mess made my self esteem lower and also made me a lot more self conscious and self aware. It raised a lot of questions and to some I fell I am close to finding an answer but for most of them, I am clueless:
Am I the one that made the relationship collapse? It seems fair to say that yes, since I was having most of the power in it, but again, not all of it and ex1 had a pretty active role. The only times I felt he truly submitted to me were the times he was sexually aroused and deprived of release, combined with s&m play that he enjoyed (and I was ok with). For the rest of the time, we were normal boyfriend and girlfriend with some kinky sex going on.
Am I emotionally immature? I might be to some extent.
If I am, would it help me to become more mature? It might be a way of evolving.
How can I go from immature to mature? I asked him this and he said there are 2 ways: life experience (at this moment I find that a very hard way) or therapy.
Should I go through therapy? If yes, what type? I say yes to the first and maybe reiki to the second.
Am I capable of having and sustaining the type of relationship I feel I need? First of all I am sure I need more D/s. I crave for it. This is a tricky question. I couldn't with him, but he's not a standard for all the guys in the world. I think I'll find the answer to this one by diving in and see what's gonna happen.

2 comentarii:

  1. Buna,
    Am ceva experienta pe drumul evolutiei prin toate caile mentionate de tine. Am inspiratie sa-ti las cateva linii directoare pentru calatoria pe fiecare din ele si sper sa-ti fie de folos:
    1. Experienta de viata: seamana cu a-ti rupe un os care se sudeaza la loc eventual, doar ca in pozitia incorecta daca n-a primit ingrijirile necesare.
    2. Psihoterapia: este un mod de crestere sigur, te poti folosi toata viata de lucrurile dobandite acolo. Metoda este mai putin relevanta decat persoana (pt metode cauta pe google despre: analiza tranzactionala, terapii de scurta durata, terapia cognitiv-comportamentala, terapii de orientare analitica, terapia integrativa. sunt printre cele mai relevante din cele peste 200 de sisteme de psihoterapie care exista:-D ). Te intereseaza sa fi atenta la 2 lucruri cand intri in cabinetul terapeutului: sa ai chimie cu persoana (sa-ti placa, sa poti relationa bine) si s-o poti investi cu autoritate.
    3. Lucrez Reiki de 4 ani si devine un mister din ce in ce mai mare pe zi ce trece. Ajuta destul de mult, doar ca am descoperit ca ai nevoie in paralel de o practica pentru fluidizarea meridianelor (tai chi, yoga, etc)...cel putin eu am nevoie de asta pentru a-mi pastra echilibrul psiho-emotional.

    Cu drag,

  2. Uh oh, let's start from the begining: Am I the one that made the relationship collapse?
    I for one always go from the assumtion that "i should have known better". I am the dominant side, i have the knowledge, the higher thinking, the better judgement. Your question was actualy: who's to blame for the collapse? You.

    Am I emotionally immature?
    I for one, with only this information and some of your posts i've read can't discern that. Couldn't say if you are or not.

    If I am, would it help me to become more mature?
    My answer would be: time, situations, experience. Wisdom can be taught too, but you do need someone willing to share some of his own.

    Should I go through therapy? If yes, what type? I say yes to the first and maybe reiki to the second.
    Uhm, you said reiki, you've been told that after 4 years it's a bigger mistery as time goes by, now excuse me... but wasn't it supoused to be the other way? The more you dwelve into something to become clearer why, where and when? My 2 cents. I could say i am against all these practices that i find them stupid at best, ridiculous and sometimes even creepy. If you want, you could do soooo much more on your own with patience and whole bunch of self reflection.

    Am I capable of having and sustaining the type of relationship I feel I need?
    Maybe no, maybe yes, as i said once i couldn't tell based on the information i've got, but as they say... baby steps, no one was born with innate knowledge. Trial and error, find someone that's patient to be there when you screw up (cause all are patient when things go smooth and well), learn alongside you at the same time, but keep in mind, every step you make, every decision you take, them be yours, the responsability lies on your shoulders and you need to be able to see past yourself and find your faults by yourself.